


who you were always meant to be

by twistedsky



Series: the soulmate project [5]
Category: The Librarians (TV 2014)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, F/F, POV Second Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-29
Updated: 2016-07-29
Packaged: 2018-07-22 13:12:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7440523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twistedsky/pseuds/twistedsky
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cassandra/Lamia soulmate AU. Lamia meets her soulmate, and the first thing Cassandra does is say 'I'm dying.' The second thing she does is run away.</p>
            </blockquote>





	who you were always meant to be

**Author's Note:**

> Technically this is a TiMER AU. I wrote this a few months ago, and I haven't seen season two of the Librarians, and I took liberties with season one. 
> 
> This is for the lovely Alice, who deserves only amazing, wonderful things(unfortunately, this is the best I can do!).
> 
> Warnings for violence, self-hatred, and murder.

“I’m dying,” your soulmate, the supposed love of your life, says.

This is the second thing you know about her—the first is that she’s beautiful, something you notice between the shock of your timers going off and the moment before the words _I’m dying_ drop from her lips, like they’ve been waiting at the tip of her tongue for a long time now.

“I’m sorry,” she says, holding your hands in hers. You don’t even know her name when she says, “But I can’t be with you. It’s better this way,” she says.

She rushes off before you get a chance to stop her, and something dark and cruel twists in your stomach, and you retch in nearby bushes until there’s nothing left.

~~

You meet Dulaque soon after.

You’ve always been interested in power, in the way the world could be instead of the way that it is.

He tells you that magic is real, that you can help shape the world into something immensely more beautiful.

Maybe, in this world, your redheaded soulmate lives, maybe she gives you a chance, maybe you end up like all the other happy couples instead of one of the aberrations, like you are now.

Maybe, a quiet voice in the back of your mind says, she’s already dead.

You don’t like to think about that.

You like to think about magic, and the wonders of the universe, and _power._

You think, if nothing else, that ought to be able to transcend the laws of life and death and everything in-between.

And so, it begins.

~~

It quickly becomes something else entirely—yes, there’s something magical about the quest, about what it all means, and what you’re aiming for, but underneath all of that, there’s a darkness.

You think it’s always been there, but it starts to grow insidiously throughout everything that you are and everything that you do.

Power and magic are about control, and you’ll do anything you have to in order to bring them to your world.

You find yourself enjoying the violence, enjoying the spectacle of it all. Maybe _this_ is what you were always meant for.

~~

You discover the world, and what it has to offer, and it’s beyond your wildest dreams.

This is what you were born for, what Dulaque has brought out in you: the universe is ripe for the taking.

You discover killing too, and you feel something inside of yourself fall apart, and you’re not sure if it’s a good thing or bad thing.

It doesn’t matter—the future is yours. This, you feel in your bones, vibrating through everything so loudly and intensely until  it drowns out the sounds of cracking bones and the last gasping breaths of your enemies.

 _Your victims_ , a tiny voice inside your head says, but you just drown that out too.

~~

The plan will soon come to fruition, he tells you. This is what you’ve been preparing for, this is why it was all worth it.

You don’t need to be told that, but he likes to hear himself talk, and likes to pontificate like somehow he’s different from any other man who has tried to change the world.

This, you think wryly as you listen to him, is probably why villains never get much done.

You don’t think much of good and evil, but you know where you’d fall if you did.

And Dulaque is a villain, complete with the desire to explain his plan to everyone and deliver long drawn-out speeches about how important his contributions will be to the world.

Maybe, you think, he’ll even get a plaque.

~~

“We need to find a way to get one of the little librarians to turn on the others,” Dulaque says. “The thief, maybe. Maybe there’s a pretty trinket he wants, or—“

“The redhead,” the words fall from your lips, and you feel numb inside, almost empty, like nothing has been there in so long that you’ve entirely forgotten how to feel. “She’s dying.” You've only just seen her, and realized that she's alive, and it's like all of the air around you has been sucked away.

She’s not dead yet, you want to scream.

She’s either a liar, or you’ve wasted the last few years of your life wondering if your soulmate is alive or dead when you could have just accepted the fact that she doesn’t want you.

Alternatively, this is the way it was always meant to be.

“Brilliant, Lamia,” Dulaque says, giving you a proud smile. “I knew you’d turn out to be useful,” he says, and the words burn through you.

~~

You wonder if you should feel guilty.

You see the flicker of recognition on Cassandra’s—because that’s her name, you know now—face.

It doesn’t matter.

You sashay around, commanding minions to grab what you’ve come for.

You take Cassandra too, of course, and she doesn’t say a word to you, just keeps looking at you, and pointedly looking away.

If you save her, maybe this is destiny.

You look down at the scar on your arm from the timer you had removed the day after Cassandra ran away from you, ripping you to shreds.

You look at her again, and she looks away, studying her cuticles and mumbling to herself about numbers.

You want to ask her what she thinks the probability of _this_ happening was, but you bite your tongue and scowl at the minions instead, studiously avoiding meeting her gaze again.

She doesn’t say a word to you, and you think you might hate her.

~~

 _I’m dying_ , you soulmate once said, and now you are the instrument of that death.

Your sword, ready to swing through her, without Dulaque even commanding it of you.

His words stop you, but not before it hits you: you’ve forgotten why this all started.

You give Cassandra a careful look, and ask yourself why, a million times _why._

You want to say it was for her, but here you were, ready to kill her.

This is, and has always been, about you.

“I’m sorry,” you say, and you’re not sure who is more surprised—Cassandra, Dulaque, or yourself.

~~

Here’s the thing about expectations: a long time ago, you’d expected to love your soulmate, expected to have that true, amazing love that everyone is always going on about—a more than 99% success rate is nothing to sneeze at. You imagine the numbers must go on and on beyond the decimal, making you an outlier. The important part is that your expectations were shattered.

Then, you’d shifted your focus, believing in something more important than love—power and magic. These are what make you get up in the morning.

You’d brought back magic, but this is not the end of the story. There’s a lot more to be done, and the librarians are there, constantly fighting against your every move.

When you’re ready to kill Cassandra, and then Dulaque orders you not to, you’re surprised.

Then, you’re surprised at the rush of relief you feel.

Cassandra betrays you, choosing death over life, and you scathingly bite out the words, “So now you know how to fight for what matters,” and Cassandra looks back at you in shock.

“Lamia—“ she starts to say, but it doesn’t matter. She leaves, she’s gone, and you’re left alone.

Dulaque berates you for thinking of trusting a librarian, and you don’t point out that it was his idea to use one at all.

This, you expect.

~~

The next time you see Cassandra, you’re still on separate sides.

You corner her when she tries to run off with an artifact while her little friends fight with the hired guns.

You open your mouth to demand that she hand it over, but then no words come out.

You both stand there, frozen, staring at each other.

And then—“You don’t have to be like this,” Cassandra says. “You could be—“

“What?” You ask, “Like you?” You sneer at her, and she recoils.

You look at her wrist, where her timer is still intact.

She notices your gaze, and she visibly softens. “I’m sorry,” she says softly.

You don’t know why, but you let her leave with the artifact, without saying another word.

~~

You don’t believe in love anymore. Love is some sort of weakness, a foolish game that people play to delude themselves into believing that something in their life is worth living for.

You have no such delusions.

You live, or you die, and there’s no sense in doing the latter until you have to.

You don’t love Cassandra, but you think some part of you might ache for what might have been.

If you could cut that part out with a knife, then you would.

You’d cut out the part that loves Dulaque too, because here you are _alone_ , because he’s dead, and you’ve failed.

Cassandra walks over to you and sits beside you.

“You have choices,” Cassandra tells you. “You don’t have to be the villain of the story.”

You turn to her, and bite off an angry retort. Instead, you stare at her, and think that this could have all gone differently.

You’ve seen Cassandra in action. You could have been amazing together, you could have ruled the world.

“You don’t have to be the hero,” you say eventually, and Cassandra smiles.

“I can’t let myself be anything else,” she says. She reaches out a hand, palm up, and sets it gently on your knee.

“We could have done great things together,” you say now.

“We still can,” she tells you. There’s no pressure in her tone, and there’s no promise.

You look up at the sky, a brilliant, blinding blue, and you laugh.

“What’s changed?” you ask.

“Everything,” Cassandra says softly, and you take her hand in yours before you even know what you’ve done.

“I’m not a hero,” you say. Some might even call you a monster.

You think if you weren’t her soulmate, she wouldn’t give you the time of day, she wouldn’t even want to pretend with you that things might actually get better.

You look over to her now and meet her eyes.

You believe in nothing. Not your purpose—your mission has failed, and there’s no sense to keep focusing on something so hopeless—and not in love, certainly.

Cassandra squeezes your hand, and you think you’d like to see if you could.

You remember an idealistic girl who once met her soulmate, who thought that love was going to fix what was broken inside of her, and you _know better_ now.

This will end badly—Cassandra can’t save you, and you can only ruin her.

“What do you want from me?” You can’t help but ask.

Cassandra hesitates, but you see her search for courage and forge ahead. “We all make mistakes,” she says.

“Some worse than others,” you say, and you’re not sorry(or maybe you can’t let yourself be), but if she thinks you need forgiveness, you wouldn’t deserve it even if you wanted it.

“You’re supposed to be my soulmate,” Cassandra says softly. “And I hurt you, and I think—“

“It’s not your fault,” you say, pulling your hand out of hers. You aren’t interested in letting her blame herself for your choices. “I make my own choices.”

She grips your hand again. “I was afraid,” she tells you, and you can see that same fear in her eyes now. “But I don’t want to die with regrets,” she says. “Do you?”

You hesitate, but what do you have to lose? There's hope in her eyes so fierce you think you can feel it.

You reach out and take her hand again.

This is your answer.

~~

It’s not easy.

The others want nothing to do with you, soulmates be damned.

But this isn’t about them—this is about Cassandra, and this is about you.

You don’t blame them for hating you, though they try not to show it.

You’re not invited into the Library, and you certainly don’t blame them for that.

Cassandra takes you on small, tiny adventures away from the others, and you don’t know why.

You don’t know why you’re supposed to care, but somehow she makes you.

It’s easier with her than with the others, and you’re not sure why.

Maybe it’s because she’s still supposed to be your soulmate.

Maybe it’s because you’re still expecting this to fail.

Everything you touch turns to death and destruction, and you don’t want that to happen to Cassandra.

You don’t even know her, and the more that you learn, the less you feel that you understand.

But still, you try.

~~

One day, you save someone—really and truly save their life, without being told to.

On that day, Cassandra kisses you—not as a reward, not as some sign that you’re suddenly a new person, but because she wants to.

You kiss her back, and think you could love her, and it's possible that you already do.

For the first time in a very long time, you feel hope.

You let yourself believe in it.  


End file.
